the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
