After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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