Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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