90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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