Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
