I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
