I checked into jail on foursquare
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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