I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
