You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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