I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
