1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
