Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Your dad touched me again.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
