If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
