i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
