Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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