I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
