Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
