My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
