They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
