I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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