I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
