please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
