I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
