well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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