Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you had me at cake vodka
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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