You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
