but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize