where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
