i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
