SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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