Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
