i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
