i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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