I'm so fucking centered right now
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
