my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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