I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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