I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
