Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize