Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
