the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
