She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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