I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
