she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
