You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
