I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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