My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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