i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
