Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
