I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
