I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
