I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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