I faked an abortion last night.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
