Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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