youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
