i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
