i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize