So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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