Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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