I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
