She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
