i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
